Two Big Macs.

So, I'm trying to be happy in my own skin. I'm trying to go with the 'Health at every size' ethos. I'm inspired by the wonderful lady who writes the 'Size of my Life' blog that I subscribe to. I also follow 'Beyond Chocolate' which is different from HAES and SOML. Because HAES and SOML endorse feeling happy with obesity, and I don't think I can, although I totally get their campaigning against stigma and prejudice which is hurled daily at fat people. But BC accepts that fat people are often unhappy being fat. But that we have to start learning to love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, and enjoy life in our present state. BC are totally anti-diet. DIETS DON'T WORK.  BC tries to help people to stop over-eating and binge-eating. I have been trying to apply their principles for a few years now. I have resolutely refused to go on yet another diet, despite seeing 3 friends successfully lose large amounts of weight with Slimming World and Rosemary Conley. But I have gained yet more weight. I took BC's advice, and have bought a load of really nice Size 22 clothes, in an attempt to feel confident and attractive, as I am, not to wait until I can wear my Size 16 clothes again, in order to feel good. I am physically active, my 3 day a week job is strenuous- (general nursing). I cope fine with it. I usually take the stairs instead of the lift. I like to walk long distances on my days off. I don't do any formal exercise though. My worst thing is my over-eating. Yesterday, I stopped by at McDonalds for a late lunch. I was hungry. I love McDs, and I enjoy the Monopoly Game currently running there. I ordered a Big Mac meal, regular size, with a cup of tea. I only got 2 Monopoly tokens instead of 4, so with half of my cuppa still left, but all my meal eaten, I went back to the counter to request my other 2 tokens. Which I got. But instead of walking away, I thought, 'I'd really like something to go with the rest of my cuppa'..so I found myself ordering another Big Mac. Which I really enjoyed. But I felt so guilty, and horrified at the calorie overload that I had just inflicted on myself- probably about 1800 calories, in one go! So, that evening, the kids were out with their dad. I would normally have prepared a meal for my husband and myself. I 'confessed' to my husband about the Two Big Macs. I said I would not be eating that evening, and prepared tea for hubby. But of course, I still felt hungry. I had a tall glass of Pimms with a Twix bar in the early evening. Then later I had FOUR weetabix.  If I go on like this, I'll be buying a load of Size 24 clothes!

Two Big Macs. An example of my binge eating. I cannot go on another punitive diet though. I did SlimFast once, in 6 months I lost 3 stone. But I put over 4 stone back on. Life for me is a constant battle. When I met my husband 6 years ago, I was about a Size 16. He definitely does not find me as attractive as a Size 22. I know, that I should not define myself as a size. And that I should not be so swayed by my husband's opinion. But I am. Who doesn't want to be attractive to their partner? I avoid mirrors at all costs. It's not that I feel self-loathing, it's just my size I don't like, not me, myself. I know I'm a really good mum, a great friend, and a caring and efficient nurse. I think my husband's lucky to have me, I love and support him always, despite his grumpiness! I have bipolar disorder, and the lithium I take keeps me stable, but it numbs me, fatigues me, and also I'm sure is contributory to my weight-gain. Despite my bipolar disorder, I function well. I have a shift system worked out which enables me to cope with my 3 day part time job. I do very little at home though, I am constantly exhausted. But I always try to rest in the afternoon, to enable me to be good company for my kids in the evenings. Overall, I feel pleased with myself, I don't hate myself, I accept my limitations. It's just this major issue- overweight and overeating.

BIBLICAL CBT

whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.   

This is my personal verse used for corrective therapy to all my negative, catastrophic thinking. 

 

Feeling Rough :(

So I got through all that work, and was given the rest of the week off, time owing. Now I'm in bed with a thumping head cold. Am reminded that- "this too shall pass". And am grateful that I feel ok emotionally, and mentally. Spiritually? I need to pray, I find it so hard to pray. But I am blessed with peace today, that my God understands my weakness, forgives my sins, and loves me totally. How amazing is that?

FAIL

FAIL for the beyond chocolate course which was cancelled :(
FAIL for my attempts to come off lithium. I just got too unstable, too unwell. Thankfully, I got to see a new pdoc within a few days, and only needed a week off work. Back on an even higher dose of lithium now :(
FAIL for my boss at work. Return to work interview-
Boss "what can we do to help you cope at work when you're feeling unwell?"
Me " I don't like to be in charge on weekdays"
Boss "Oh that's fine."
-The next week, Friday. I turn up for an early shift. Boss has taken an annual leave day, leaving me in charge. Hey ho.
Then the next day, my early shift turns into a long day- colleague off sick for a long day- so 14and half hrs later, having worked below minimum staffing levels, I go home, exhausted.
Then, the next day- a late shift. Another colleague gets sick during the afternoon. I phone the on-call boss-
Me- "Staff Nurse K has gone off sick. We're down to 4 staff, we are full, and extremely busy."
Boss- "Well, I can't help you".
Me- "Oh. ok then, thanks..." phone goes dead, boss has put the phone down.
Hmm, cheers for that. We had a crazy, awful shift,and I had no breaks.
That was yesterday. 4 on a late shift. 30 patients.
Today, I'm rostered on another late shift. But there's 7 of us on. So I ring up my boss this morning-
Me- "I'm owed a day off, can I take it today, I'm exhausted, and there's loads of staff on"?
Boss- "sorry, but we need an extra staff nurse to do the chemo today".
Me-" But there are 3 staff nurses on, and 2 of them are chemo-trained. Surely the 'in-charge' nurse can do the chemo?"
Boss-"No, we need you to come in. But you can do a short shift, come in 3-9." (that's only 2hrs less)!
Me- "Oh, ok then, thanks..."
So I'm working today, tomorrow(late shift), and then a day off, then back again, into the madness :(
I hate late shifts too. Two lots of visiting times, visitors can be so rude, so demanding, sometimes downright nasty.
Ok, that's my moan over. 

Beyond Chocolate

I'm so excited, I've booked in for a half day Beyond Chocolate course, see the youtube video I've posted.

"Meet the Author" Sophie and Audrey Boss

ON Half meds now! feeling a bit mixed- manic, then exhausted.(5/9/11)

Previous posts =


I've also got back on to reducing my meds. Was on Lithium 700mg, Prozac 40mg, daily. Now on Lithium 400mg, Prozac 20mg, daily. If I'm feeling low, I take 40mg Prozac. If i'm feeling a bit high, I take 600mg Lithium. Seems to be working ok...(29/8/11)




Well, that didn't last long. Just a couple of days after seeing the dr, I had a real downer. Also my sleep has been disrupted, always a bad sign. I do not want to have times like that. So have decided not to try and come off meds.(15/7/11)



now, my meds. i stopped taking them this week which was foolish. i went to see my g.p this morning. she advised me to stay on the prozac, and reduce the lithium very slowly. so that's what i'll do. hope it's ok! i so want to be free of the meds and all the side-effects(8/7/11)