So, I'm trying to be happy in my own skin. I'm trying to go with the 'Health at every size' ethos. I'm inspired by the wonderful lady who writes the 'Size of my Life' blog that I subscribe to. I also follow 'Beyond Chocolate' which is different from HAES and SOML. Because HAES and SOML endorse feeling happy with obesity, and I don't think I can, although I totally get their campaigning against stigma and prejudice which is hurled daily at fat people. But BC accepts that fat people are often unhappy being fat. But that we have to start learning to love ourselves, be kind to ourselves, and enjoy life in our present state. BC are totally anti-diet. DIETS DON'T WORK. BC tries to help people to stop over-eating and binge-eating. I have been trying to apply their principles for a few years now. I have resolutely refused to go on yet another diet, despite seeing 3 friends successfully lose large amounts of weight with Slimming World and Rosemary Conley. But I have gained yet more weight. I took BC's advice, and have bought a load of really nice Size 22 clothes, in an attempt to feel confident and attractive, as I am, not to wait until I can wear my Size 16 clothes again, in order to feel good. I am physically active, my 3 day a week job is strenuous- (general nursing). I cope fine with it. I usually take the stairs instead of the lift. I like to walk long distances on my days off. I don't do any formal exercise though. My worst thing is my over-eating. Yesterday, I stopped by at McDonalds for a late lunch. I was hungry. I love McDs, and I enjoy the Monopoly Game currently running there. I ordered a Big Mac meal, regular size, with a cup of tea. I only got 2 Monopoly tokens instead of 4, so with half of my cuppa still left, but all my meal eaten, I went back to the counter to request my other 2 tokens. Which I got. But instead of walking away, I thought, 'I'd really like something to go with the rest of my cuppa'..so I found myself ordering another Big Mac. Which I really enjoyed. But I felt so guilty, and horrified at the calorie overload that I had just inflicted on myself- probably about 1800 calories, in one go! So, that evening, the kids were out with their dad. I would normally have prepared a meal for my husband and myself. I 'confessed' to my husband about the Two Big Macs. I said I would not be eating that evening, and prepared tea for hubby. But of course, I still felt hungry. I had a tall glass of Pimms with a Twix bar in the early evening. Then later I had FOUR weetabix. If I go on like this, I'll be buying a load of Size 24 clothes!
Two Big Macs. An example of my binge eating. I cannot go on another punitive diet though. I did SlimFast once, in 6 months I lost 3 stone. But I put over 4 stone back on. Life for me is a constant battle. When I met my husband 6 years ago, I was about a Size 16. He definitely does not find me as attractive as a Size 22. I know, that I should not define myself as a size. And that I should not be so swayed by my husband's opinion. But I am. Who doesn't want to be attractive to their partner? I avoid mirrors at all costs. It's not that I feel self-loathing, it's just my size I don't like, not me, myself. I know I'm a really good mum, a great friend, and a caring and efficient nurse. I think my husband's lucky to have me, I love and support him always, despite his grumpiness! I have bipolar disorder, and the lithium I take keeps me stable, but it numbs me, fatigues me, and also I'm sure is contributory to my weight-gain. Despite my bipolar disorder, I function well. I have a shift system worked out which enables me to cope with my 3 day part time job. I do very little at home though, I am constantly exhausted. But I always try to rest in the afternoon, to enable me to be good company for my kids in the evenings. Overall, I feel pleased with myself, I don't hate myself, I accept my limitations. It's just this major issue- overweight and overeating.
